With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I wanna be friends with this person
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them