With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.