With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.
You Might Also Like
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.