With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Here’s a meme
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.