With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.