Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

New nose

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.