With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.