Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.