With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.