with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*watches the world burn*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
cry laughing at this shit
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
