With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Story time
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”