With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The little toadstool has spoken.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
my one true gender
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review