With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.