Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.