With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.