With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.