Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Only a mother’s love …

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

i want the dreams to chase me for once

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse