Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)