Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
You Might Also Like
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.