Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.