With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.