With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips