With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women