With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice