With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!