With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Seems legit
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Good morning.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said