@WarrenHolstein

With great power comes great electricity bill.

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@StellaRtwot

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@MissWont

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

@SondraDeeMe

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@DillDoes

Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@dad_nit

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.