When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The Compass
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]