With great power comes great electricity bill.

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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.


My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.


Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is


[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.


You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice


Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.