Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.