With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork