With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
