With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized