With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
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Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does