Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

ㅤ

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Um … Hot Wings please

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.