With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
🤣✨#caturday
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.