Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.