Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

tourist season

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it