With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.