@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

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@TeejayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

@Angibangie

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@JessObsess

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

@markleggett

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!