Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!