With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Asking the real questions!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.