Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

New comic up. “Ransom”

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.