Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

is this a threat

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do