With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You Might Also Like
The cashier just checked me out.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.