Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

ㅤ

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said