With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My last name is Zilla.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing