Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison