[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”