With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
☠️
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.