Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school