Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

This is so me 😂😂

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

◾️

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume