Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

I’m Sold!

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.