With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Seems kinda suspicious
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.