With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Guilty! 🤪
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year