People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.