With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
They’re the worst 😩
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
They’re really bad with fonts.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!