With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Social Media and Real life
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.