With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
