Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

my first dose meeting my second

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

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