With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Seems a bit forward
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
12653.
