With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”