Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.