With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
You Might Also Like
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
This is my favorite one of these!
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.