Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

This guy gets it.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.