With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus